(720): I told him “thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. ” He is no longer speaking to me.

(678): apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.

(509): I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You’re welcome mystey man.

(402): he was grinding on you and dedicated the song “I’m in Love With a Stripper” to you then started taking his own clothes off

(901): I’m using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I’m the queen of irony.

(613): Apparently I whispered “Jesus was here” and bailed out of the moving taxi.

(856): My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?

(937): I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay